I think I should explain where I've been all this time.
Would you believe me if I said that I was stuck in the craziest adventure of my life? I'm fairly sure that somewhere in the universe, an author was writing it and cackling at my misfortunes and fortunes. XD
It started about...a month and a half ago. I was fighting with some extreme depression at the time. I mean, I caught the angst bug, and I caught it
bad. I think that I was mostly lonely.
Heart-felt was about to move away, the Wadsworths had left long before, and I didn't quite have the same connection with anyone else around here. They say that rabbits, when left alone, lose the will to live. That's how I felt.
I was playing Ragnarok Online one night, angsting, when I decided something: I needed to find a guild. That would give me the chance to connect to other people and socialize instead of wallowing in my little self-inflicted hole of despair. I looked around for guilds recruiting (spotting a deviantART guild that I almost joined, by the way)...when I spotted Asch Fabre of the OrderOfLorelei.
I didn't think much about it at the time. I PMed him, saying that I liked his character name and guild combination. He said that he got that all the time. Then...the gears started turning.
As a female on an MMORPG, I wasn't well accepted. Most thought I was a guy playing as a girl, or simply ignored me. However...I had a male account. I was also playing through Tales of the Abyss again.
I decided to make a Knight character based on Luke fon Fabre.
So, there I was, sitting in Prontera. I spotted another member of the Lorelei guild and gave him a heads up, but I didn't get much of a reply. I wasn't sure what to do. For a moment, I considered deleting the character and just going on with my life, but then I got the invite:
"I found a Luke!
"
From then on, I was a member of the OrderOfLorelei guild. For some reason I still don't understand, I melded into the guild almost instantly. Part of it was probably because the members of the guild are AWESOME (
Abinition,
MinnyDoll,
MegaSama,
LeYetipants,
Mahotou,
Heart-felt, and whoever else is on dA, as well as the members not on dA, I'm looking at YOU!). There were a few bumps, of course, but nothing that couldn't be overcome. The guild amazed me time and time again with the strength of each member. Most of all, I was fascinated with their openness. I got a small glimpse into their little worlds, and I was amazed. Everyone in the guild had vivid personalities, quirks, and stories. I was used to seeing others as merely 'molds' of humans, a glob of cells and little more, but...I don't know, it was different. Eye-opening, I guess XD
All this time, however, I was convinced that I was only being accepted because I was hiding who I really was. I kept telling myself, "They can never find out." I thought that if they did, they would lose interest and soon forget me.
But soon, that "never find out" faded into, "Gah, I really wish I could tell them!!" and finally into, "I have to tell them eventually. Until then, I have to do all I can to reduce the collateral damage."
Unfortunately, despite all of efforts to "reduce collateral damage", there came a time when I couldn't find my real identity any longer, when no matter what I did, someone would get hurt. On Christmas day, I knew (Well, more like Heart knew) that the time was now. I called Asch to Ostia...
To tell you the truth, I was scared beyond belief. The only time I had ever been quite as scared was when I thought my life was about to end. I sat there at my computer, underneath a lamppost in the game world, my hands shaking. Heart was there with me, and that was the only thing holding me there. Otherwise, I might've run off and never be heard from again, at least in the MMORPG world.
Asch came, and after much gathering of courage, I finally told him the truth. All of it. For a while, I was certain that he'd hate me, that he'd kick me out of the guild, but...
Well, long story short, everything turned out alright. I'm still in the guild, still accepted (somewhat miraculously, since the revelation that I'm a girl is allowing me to show more of my evil side. I think
I'm the reason I'm gynophobic!), and...now in a sort of relationship. I'm still in shock at how well things turned out. It almost seems impossible, but...maybe there was a touch of destiny in it. Who knows, really.
The journal title is what I'd like this story to be called, if it ever gets written. I'd like to journalize it and keep it for my future kids, at least. It's taken from the song "Cross my Heart" by Nevertheless, where the lyrics go, "Cross my heart, hope to make it out alive." For that month and a half, that's how I felt all the time. I was crossing my heart, sure enough, and I hoped with all of it that I would make it out of that mess alive and intact. I made it out alive, more alive and intact than I've been in years.
Suffice to say, I had the best Christmas Vacation EVER.
I'll still be playing RO a lot, of course, but I'll try to check in once in a while. I've got lots of
Paradise? to read, or so I've heard.
I also just found out recently that one of my favorite childhood book series,
Deltora Quest got turned into an anime! Filli is the cutest generic fantasy pet I've ever seen! X3 (Sorry, Furas, you would have won, but...Just
lookitim!!
)
Well, I hope everyone else is doing well! My prayers go out to all of you that 2009 is a good year for ye~ :3 In the meantime, I'm gonna do my best to live this crazy, crazy life. XD
EDIT: Where the heck did my layout go...? Oh...Dang it! This is why you guys shouldn't get me subscriptions. I just let them run out and waste them. Sorry! D;e....and thee goes my 'R' key....XD